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Warped NewsMost Recent »Archives »    1 2 3 4 5 6    Next Page >
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    Bandai Recalls Lady Gaga
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~0~0
    News In Photos

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    Sports: 'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~1~0
    PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across

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    In Focus: Bishop Sick Of Local Church Scene
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~2~0
    SACRAMENTO, CA—Bishop Robert K. Boland of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Sacramento announced Monday that, although he remains a devoted servant

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    Authorities Investigating Suicide Determine Victim Really Went For It
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~3~0
    HAVERFORD, PA—Officials investigating the tragic suicide of local man Thomas Ingraham told reporters Tuesday they have determined that the...

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    Massa Insinuates He Was Forced Out
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~4~0
    After resigning amidst allegations of sexual harassment, former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) told Larry King and Glenn Beck that he was targeted by the...

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    Sports: Stan Van Gundy Gives Players 'Dr. BBQ's Big-Time Barbecue Cookbook' To Read During Road Trip
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~6~0
    ORLANDO, FL—Continuing a tradition that stretches back to his early years with the Miami Heat, Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy routinely present

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    [audio] Sea-Going Turtle Under Fire For Egg Abandonment
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~8~0
    Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

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    Man On Internet Almost Falls Into World Of DIY Mustard Enthusiasts
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~9~0
    DES MOINES, IA—Only when Steve Gibson started getting enraged by mustard-related issues did he realize he had become entangled in a dense, thick

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    In Focus: Nation To Be Tested For Scoliosis Friday
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~10~0
    WASHINGTON, DC--In a mandatory, nationwide health initiative many Americans are dreading, all U.S. citizens will be tested for scoliosis Friday.

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    Opinion: I Didn't Spend 6 Weeks In A Medical License Reinstatement Ethics Class To Have You Call Me
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~11~0
    It's tragic how people treat doctors in this day and age. The lack of respect for the education and training medical professionals go through,...

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    [video] Boys Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~12~0
    Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.

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    Lohan Sues ETrade Over TV Ad
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~13~0
    Actress Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against the Internet brokerage E*Trade over a commercial featuring a talking baby named Lindsay who suffers...

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    Couple Of Cool Guys Just Hanging Out
    The Onion - 13 hours ago
    51~14~0
    NEW YORK—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein, 26 (left) and Walt Traxel, 26 (right) just hang out Thursday afternoon. Please check back in for updates as

    Couple Of Cool Guys Just Hanging Out
    The Onion - 2010-03-11 09:43:43
    51~15~0
    NEW YORK—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein, 26 (left) and Walt Traxel, 26 (right) just hang out Tuesday afternoon. Please check back in for updates as T

    Alternate Health Care Bills
    The Onion - 2010-03-11 09:43:34
    51~16~0
    In response to President Obama's call for compromise, several lawmakers have concocted their own health care reform bills. Here are some...

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    Wine May Help Women Moderate Weight
    The Onion - 2010-03-11 09:43:27
    51~17~0
    In a long-term study that surveyed the drinking habits of 20,000 women, those who consumed moderate amounts of alcohol were more likely to keep their.

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    In Focus: Senate Candidate Drops Out Of Race Due To Shyness
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:50
    51~18~0
    KNOXVILLE, TN--Donald Miller told his campaign manager to tell the people that Tennessee would be better off with a more confident, outgoing represent

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    How Are We Protecting Our Valuables?
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:44
    51~19~0


    Sports: Chris Bosh Out For Season After Cutting Open Knee To See How It Works
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:36
    51~20~0
    TORONTO—The Raptors medical staff announced Tuesday that Chris Bosh will miss the rest of the season after the inquisitive forward cut open his

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    Universe Comes To Halt As Kid Flips Through First Shark Book
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:30
    51~21~0
    SPRINGDALE, AR—The dynamic processes by which matter and energy function in the physical world ground to a halt Thursday night as 7-year-old...

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    [audio] 18-Year-Old Demands Right To Be Sexually Harrassed In Workplace
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:21
    51~22~0
    Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

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    Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:16
    51~23~0
    WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California

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    In Focus: Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:11
    51~24~0
    CHICAGO—Subjects who drank five glasses or more showed an increased ability to recall each time their mothers had been unsupportive of boyfriend

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    Local CVS Selling One Leather Jacket For Some Reason
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:31:05
    51~25~0
    News In Photos

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    Opinion: Do The New Tablets Own Up To The Hype? (by Beepo the Dolphin)
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:59
    51~26~0
    When tablet computers first reared their heads in the '90s, they were quickly written off as low-powered machines that were kind of neat, but not...

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    Sports: Ball Movement Making Dirk Nowitzki Nauseous
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:55
    51~27~0
    DALLAS—During last Wednesday's game against the Phoenix Suns, Mavericks center Dirk Nowitzki reportedly told teammates that he "needed a sec" af

    Mytron The Fifth, Illuminati Ruler And Secret Overlord Of All Humanity, Dead At 112
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:50
    51~28~0
    2,000 MILES BENEATH BAVARIA, GERMANY—Mytron the Fifth, Illuminati ruler and secret mastermind of the entire human race since the year 8449...

    Global Warming Skeptics Growing In Numbers
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:44
    51~29~0
    Since 2008, the number of people who don't believe in global warming has doubled to 16 percent. What do you think?

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    [video] Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:44
    51~30~0
    Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.

    In Focus: National Organization For Women Turns 39 Again
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:39
    51~31~0
    WASHINGTON, DC—Though officials are vague about what year NOW was founded, they do say a women's organization is only as old as it feels.

    Sports: Uh-Oh, Annoying Coworker Going To Tell You Why IndyCar Racing Completely Different From NASC
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:35
    51~32~0
    KANSAS CITY, MO—Oh man, sources confirmed that it looks as though Paul Martinelli, that irritating guy from sales, is going to give you an entir

    Out-Of-Control Group Yields Little Usable Data
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:24
    51~33~0
    ATLANTA—A study of the effects of antidepressants on sleep patterns was derailed this week when the experiment's out-of-control...

    20% Of Teens Have High Cholesterol
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:20
    51~34~0
    A study of American teens shows that one in five has unhealthy cholesterol levels. What do you think?

    Girl Welcomed To Womanhood With 4-Page Pamphlet
    The Onion - 2010-03-10 19:30:16
    51~35~0
    CLEARWATER, KS—"Cramps are a natural part of your new monthly visitor," a sentence halfway down the first page read, one of roughly a half dozen

    Sports: Wrestling Fan's Comments Alternate Between Admitting It's Fake, Forgetting It's Fake
    The Onion - 2010-03-07 13:24:59
    51~37~0
    STATEN ISLAND, NY—During a recent screening of WWE Friday Night SmackDown, wrestling enthusiast David Graziano fluctuated between an awareness t

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    [audio] Money Storm Hits Palm Springs
    The Onion - 2010-03-07 13:24:55
    51~38~0
    Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

    Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save
    The Onion - 2010-03-07 13:24:52
    51~39~0
    HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thom



    [audio] Money Storm Hits Palm Springs
    The Onion - 2010-03-06 10:43:46
    51~40~0
    Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

    Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save
    The Onion - 2010-03-06 10:43:42
    51~41~0
    HOUSTON—With the challenges accompanying his developmental disorder widening the already vast gulf between his parents, autistic child Evan Thom

    Sports: Area Man Wonders What Gisele Bundchen And Tom Brady Talk About
    The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:53
    51~42~0
    WATERBURY, CT—While skimming an SI.com article about Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, local roofer Ernest Wilkinson, 46, told reporters Thursday

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    Soda Tax Suggested In California
    The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:48
    51~43~0
    California lawmaker Dean Florez has introduced a bill that would tax soda and other sugary drinks one cent for every teaspoon of caloric sweetener...

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    Sports: John Wooden, 99, Found DeaNever Mind, False Alarm
    The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:45
    51~44~0
    News In Photos

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    Sports: Disabled Athlete Likes It When Opponents Go Easy On Him
    The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:40
    51~45~0
    SHIPPENSBURG, PA—At first glance, 17-year-old Jeremy Davis looks like any other member of the Shippensburg Lions wrestling team. He jostles for

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    [audio] Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized
    The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:35
    51~46~0
    Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

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    In Focus: Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language
    The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:31
    51~47~0
    CHICAGO—The Greek has his foreign newspaper air-mailed here rather than read the good old Chicago Tribune.

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    I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars! (by Jackie Harvey)
    The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:26
    51~48~0
    Item! Anyone who's read my column in the past knows that I am pretty outspoken about the Oscars. Even though I readily admit it's...

    [video] How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
    The Onion - 2010-03-06 00:28:22
    51~49~0
    Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramsha



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